Burden
by Ro-RoWeasley
Summary: Jess has a secret which even Becker, her fiancé, doesn't know. Just a warning, I wanted to explore a very personal issue here. Rated T for references to violence and emotional distress. This is not related to any of my other primeval fics, this is a total stand-alone.


**_[A/N: Just a warning, I wanted to explore a very personal issue here. Rated T for references to violence, emotional distress and disability. A disability is NOT a problem or something to hate, a disability is an impairment that can actually improve aspects of the individual's (and anybody close's) life significantly if seen in the right light. Autism is a lifelong developmental disability which cannot be cured. It is a spectrum disorder meaning it affects people differently._**

**_This fiction is written solely for my own purposes, recommended as a personal challenge and is not intended to cause anybody distress, although I hope it sheds some light on the mentioned condition. This is not related to any of my other primeval fics, this is a total stand-alone.]_**

* * *

**BURDEN**

* * *

Becker shut off the water and stood for a few more seconds before running a hand through his dripping hair, opening the door and wrapping a towel around himself. Second to the armoury at work, showers were the best place for deep thinking. The hard water cascading down upon him relieved the tension in his muscles and relaxed him. Although cuddles with Jess had exactly the same effect…

He sighed. Jess.

She had been down all day, not her usual chirpy bubbly self and it pained him like a physical blow. He was determined to find out what was wrong, but hadn't wanted to ask outright at work in case she snapped. They'd had a particularly rough day, they'd lost seven of his men and eleven civilians in what was possibly the worst incursion they'd had in years. But Jess always had a way of staying optimistic in even the most impossible of times. She'd kept her cool remarkably during the whole incident, just as she always did, calling urgently for back up and coordinating the teams effortlessly. Becker smiled widely as he pictured her nimble fingers flying across the keyboards, doing the job she had been especially selected for.

There was an entirely different reason for her glum and almost foul mood, and it had nothing to do with the loss of innocent people – though he knew that was certain to have some impact on her once it was all over. He knew Jessica Parker inside out, and loved her with all his heart. They were due to be married in two days time and the waiting was killing him, something he, the once stoic Special Forces soldier, couldn't quite believe.

That thought made him stop halfway down the landing.

Was she having second thoughts? But surely she would have said something by now?  
Unless she was only going through with it for _him_? To make him happy?

He mentally shook himself as he entered the bedroom. The sight he was greeted with made his heart ache.

Jess was curled up in a ball under the duvet, which was pulled up to her chest. Her arms were free but they were cuddling something Becker couldn't see but he knew exactly what it was: her favourite childhood toy, a blue fluffy elephant. He watched tenderly as she ran her fingers unconsciously through the field of fluffy strands it had for a coat.

Becker smirked as he suddenly thought it reminded him more of a mammoth than an elephant, with its coat being furry. But even he knew that cuddling a head-sized toy was better and certainly more preferable than the fully-grown Columbian mammoth kept in the ARC's menagerie.

Then he sighed as he realised what the scene in front of him meant. Jess, his precious little fiery Jess, was upset. The only other times he'd seen her act this way was when he'd been badly injured six months ago, just days after his proposal, and when Abby and Connor had lost their first child three months ago. Jennifer Mabel Temple had been stillborn, and Jess had cried every night for days.

He quickly pulled on some boxers and his grey joggers before crawling into bed and catching her in his arms, hugging her tightly. She instantly rolled over so her head was resting on his chest and burst into tears, her sobs echoing round the silent flat.

"Hey." He said softly, one hand stroking her hair. The elephant-mammoth was squished between his body and Jess's, separating them by millimetres. But it was enough to inform Becker that whatever had gotten Jess upset was serious.

"You're not having second thoughts are you?" he asked teasingly, in an attempt to lighten the mood.

She shook her head. "No, don't be silly! You know how much I love you, Hil." As if to prove a point, she sat up then leaned over and kissed him gently. He tasted the salt of her tears and cupped her face in his hands so he could wipe them away with the pads of his thumbs. He then looked deep into her eyes and she followed suit.

"Good. I love you too Jessica Becker, don't you ever forget that."

She gave him a watery smile before assuming her position against his chest, sniffing now and then as her tears finally calmed.

"It's my brother's birthday today."

That he hadn't been expecting. He lay utterly speechless, mouth opening and closing as it tried to form words, brain working furiously.

Finally, he found his voice and was alert enough to prevent himself saying something he would regret, such as the obvious "you don't have a brother" reply.

"Jess, don't be afraid. Just know that whenever you're ready, I'm here."

**. . .**

Jess had desperately tried to fight back the tears and hide her emotions from him, but he knew her too well and as soon as his warm arms had enveloped her, her barriers had instantly crumbled and she could no longer hold them in.

Then when he'd said her name like that, the way it would officially be in two days time… she was no longer afraid.

"It's my brother's birthday today."

She couldn't bear to look at his reaction so instead she fumbled with Elly's magnificently soft coat. She'd had the stuffed animal ever since she was a little girl and over the years it had come to mean something more: a symbol of comfort, a reminder of her childhood.

Even if there were parts she'd rather forget.

But she couldn't hold back, not now. If Hilary James Becker was going to be her husband in just under two days this was one of the last opportunities she had to ensure there were no secrets between them - no matter how difficult it was to tell.

"Jess, don't be afraid. Just know that whenever you're ready, I'm here." Becker whispered, stroking a hand through her hair soothingly.

She looked up at him and smiled, "I'm ready now, I can't _not_ tell you, not if we are to be wed in two days. It's not fair." She sniffed and continued playing with her elephant. It helped to calm the shaking threatening to rack her body, helped to calm all her nerves. This was Becker; she had absolutely nothing to fear.

"Oliver is twenty-three today, fifteen months younger than me. But I've never talked to him; at least not like Abby would talk to Jack, or you to Pippa. See, he's severely autistic. Autism is a neurodevelopmental disorder that means his brain functions slightly different to yours or mine. It affects emotions, learning ability and memory and the severity progressively unfolds as the individual grows. But for Oliver its meant he's not capable of forming words, just sounds and noises, although from when he was a kid to at least seven years ago when I last saw him, he used these pictures and symbols that he'd point to, to tell us what he wanted to do…" she trailed off as memories filled her mind.

"You haven't seen him since-" Becker began but Jess cut him off.

"My parents died? No. It was too difficult for me, the responsibility. He stayed with his carers, Beth and Jay who I'm still in regular contact with, and they became his legal guardians after a fierce battle with social services. I was at university so I didn't need to be put into care. Then when I was eighteen I was able to access my parents' money, then I was recruited to the ARC. I had my excuse to stay away."

Becker just listened to her talk, which Jess was grateful for. It meant her mind was clear to focus on her story telling, delving though many buried memories.

"Even though at times it felt like a curse, often it was something to be happy about, and not to shy away from. Oliver made me who I am, a caring and non-judgmental person, capable of holding myself under immense stress. Because a lot of the time it was incredibly stressful, up to the point where our family was close to falling apart." She finished quietly.

Images flashed in her head, pain shot through her chest and she cringed. Becker hugged her closer and planted a soft kiss in her hair. Her tears only flowed heavier.

"Oliver's moods were unpredictable. One moment he was perfectly happy, laughing and smiling. The next he was wailing, crying and…lashing out. He hurt us a lot, kicking and smacking. There was just nothing we could do. His Doctor put him on medications but none of them worked.

"Then once he became a teenager, he became stronger and it was just unbearable. So we had him only part time two days a week, sharing him with Beth and Jay Gibbons. Absolute godsends they were, taking a lot of pressure off our hands. I was able to concentrate properly at school, which quite frankly got me into university at such a young age."

She sniffed again and wiped her nose clumsily on her hand before continuing.

"Then…then when my parents died, it was horrendous. I had counselling for ages, while the social services battle was going on. Then I got the news Beth and Jay had won, but they hadn't tried for custody of me, they said I was free to make my own decisions and so I stayed at Uni. I was told about the ARC in my final year, I was seventeen and going through a hell of a lot. But saving lives on a daily basis helped me enormously; it felt like I was saving my brother over and over. It was a wonderful release. And the people I was surrounded by made me feel loved and happy, it felt like I was finally healing."

She flashed Becker a brilliant smile through her tears and leaned forward to peck him.

"I get updates everyday from the Gibbons. But only recently have they started to consider full time residential care for him. They're getting on in years now, they won't be able to keep it up for much longer. I owe them _so _much. But every birthday, I haven't been able to stop myself thinking: what if things had been different? That hurts.

"I've wanted to see him so badly every single _day _since, but it would have been awful for me. I'd want to help him, to help Beth and Jay, do anything I could. But with University and the full time job at the ARC, I just couldn't. Emotionally, I wouldn't have been able to handle it. Oliver doesn't know who I am, he's never said my name, he's never even said "hello."

Now her tears were full-on sobs and she couldn't speak anymore. Becker just held her while she cried, saying soothing lines to her in an attempt to comfort her.

"Jess, I am so sorry. It'll be okay, I promise."

Jess shook her head against his chest. "I'm sorry, I just couldn't keep it from you any longer. I love you and trust you _so_ much Hil, please don't ever leave me."

"Jess, I'll never _ever_ leave you. I love you so much and you are incredibly brave for confiding in me. We are spending the rest of our lives together and absolutely nothing can change that, okay?"

She leaned up, her elbow resting on his chest as she looked him in the eye and smiled. "Thank you."

He cupped her face in his hands, the pads of his thumbs softly catching her tears and wiping them away. "Not only are you brave, Jessica, but you are beautiful, strong, brilliant, formidable…the list goes on and on! We are to be man and wife very soon and there is no one else I'd rather be married to. As your boyfriend, fiancé, _husband_, I will help you through all of your struggles and ensure you live a full and happy life." Then he leaned forward and kissed her passionately, sending bolts of electricity through her.

"You deserve happiness, Jess. Dwelling on the past too much can be such a burden. That's something I've learnt through my experiences. Celebrate Oliver's life while making sure you live yours. He'd want that, I can be certain."

Jess's tears kept on coming until finally she was exhausted. She nestled into Becker's warmth and allowed her breathing to settle out into a steady rhythm, her body relaxing as the tension that had been there for so long finally melted away. Becker held her in his arms, stroking her hair comfortingly as she slipped into a blissfully deep sleep full of joyous memories and adventurous dreams.

Her burden finally lifted, she would heal, in time.

**. . .**

**The End**


End file.
